Three phrases that have got to go

1. "Dear reader"
Maybe a hundred years ago writing this in a novel was, well, novel. Back then we didn't have to watch all these movies about how overwrought writers are and how they obsess over every last detail. Books and stories just sort of floated down as a gift from the gods. Now we see the writer as a sad person who's trying desperately to connect with the world, so of course the reader is now the one in charge. Also, more people can read now than ever before (although it's hard to tell), so we don't feel special anymore when the writer addresses us "personally" (who, ME?). "Esteemed reader" is out too, but if you somehow allude to the reader's stupidity then we're talking.

2. "With apologies to..."
This is an easy one. Most of the time when somebody writes this they have way more to apologize for than they thought. It's also most frequently used when the premise has already been laid bare, like if someone alters a Shakespeare sonnet to be about, I don't know, their hamster (shudder). If one were to s urvive reading that kind of thing, they would already know what the writer had referenced and the quiet pain in which they lived; the apology is inherent. Defiance is more satisfying anyways. For instance, Crass never apologized for naming their albums "The Feeding of the Five Thousand" or "Stations of the Crass," and those were things Jesus did, so if they didn't neither should we.

3. "But I digress"
It's clear that the writer is digressing when this phrase appears, that's why we're not listening any more. This phrase peaks in annoyance when used in conversation more so than on paper, but even on the page all one really has to do is have a new paragraph ready to skip to if the tangent is boring. If it's a trick and the plan is to return to the digression, either that's a literary device that the writer is using to make it "challenging" for us, or we're just shutting the book right now. Probably both. On the other hand, it's like a fun puzzle when the writer marks off the spurious topic (and spurious topics within) with loads of parentheses (see Rev. Norb's killer columns (most of which had more within the parentheses than without (and the real gems were tucked away beneath many parenthetical layers)) for Maximum Rock'n'Roll in the late nineties), so more of that is welcome (see? it's easy)..